It's not a home unless you're coming home to family. Good friends, a cat, five cats, a partner. Whatever family looks like to you.
This bed is too large for me.
hope is not a myth
4:58 am
Tonight I got to see one of my favourite bands do what they do best in front of a filled outdoor arena, while familiar faces who have turned into friends through sheer frequency of contact at gigs danced their hearts out.
Towards the end of the set, a young teenager who had obviously been gathering courage to come to the front and dance finally did. He started jumping around tentatively at the edge of the small crowd, and I was worried on his behalf because I am terrible with second-hand embarrassment. What if he just looked awkward? What if the crowd was friends-only?
Within five seconds, one of the other guys in the crowd reached out an arm to him and slung it over his shoulder so they could jump in unison.
And I couldn't keep a smile off my face.
hope is not a myth
3:38 am
I reach for You
You’ve always been there for me
When the memories fade
You’re still in the air I breathe
But what can I hold onto
If we’re just passing through
After all this time
You’ve been on my mind
I can’t pull myself away from You
Like a kite I’ll fly
Let these worlds all collide
‘Cause You anchor me to You
- 'Kite' by Corrinne May and Charlie Lim, capitalisation my own.
hope is not a myth
4:53 am
Okay so. I have slidden down into another new obsession recently. I'm in love with the band A Great Big World. Before these past 2 weeks I already liked their songs, but that was all there is to it. Now, however, I search for their interviews and live performances and old solo songs every day and I've watched every single video on their channel and I refresh Snapchat obsessively to see if they've posted anything. So I just need to express my love for them in a more detailed way here okay. Don't judge.
Why I have completely fallen in love with Ian and Chad of AGBW (aside from their music which is frankly rather brilliant on its own):
- The song that they got their name from keeps reminding me of the perspective I need to have on life - "Cheer up/'cause nothing really matters when you look up into outer space/It's a great big world and there's no need to cry".
- I like that they are searching for life's meaning and are very open about the fact that they haven't found it yet. They ask big questions in their songs but have tons of fun at the same time.
- When they burst into grins or giggles (which is all the time) it's impossible not to laugh along.
- They are such kind and sweet and patient people. When interviewers or fans are annoying they are still nice about it, and when they give instructional videos or teach piano or whatever they are so incredibly sweet and patient they can be kindergarten teachers. They actually remember their fans.
- They're quite wholesome in a Disney-ish way and it's adorable. They almost never swear ever or say anything that's not PG. They hardly party or drink and they eat so healthy it's crazy.
- Chad goes on Periscope and shows the fans his house plants. Apparently he periodically says "I love you" to his cactus (that he isn't even sure is a cactus). He laughs like a seagull and behaves like a puppy full of wonder and enjoyment. His songwriting and voice are made of soulful gold.
- Ian mentions his fiancee in almost every interview and he's so devoted and in love and his shy grin is everything good in the world. His celebrity crush growing up was Hermione. He also goes all gooey over his dog and I can't stand the cute. At other times he's intense and serious and a perfectionist. His musical talent just explodes out of him and he has the voice of an angel.
- Theirs is a friendship for the ages. It's super hilarious that they're so close and obviously love each other so much and yet are unable to say nice things to each other without cringing awkwardly. They're such bros in that way. I also love that they complement each other so perfectly and push each other to be better versions of themselves. They keep each other grounded I think, especially with the skyrocketing to fame.
- They're nerds and not cool kids. Even the sessionists who make up their regular touring band are nerdy. Don't be fooled by the leather jackets and sparkly glitter-pants.
- From watching countless interviews and hearing the inspiration behind their songs, I've realised that their most important core value as a band is honesty and being true to themselves. This is literally my favourite thing about them, that they are constantly talking about how they strive for honesty in their writing. And they are consistent with this as far as I can see: in every video they're not afraid to let themselves be known, they openly discuss their insecurities and thought processes, and they include "bad takes" and show their natural interactions with each other (including correcting/criticising and annoying each other), and the lack of "polish" makes them all the more endearing. They repeatedly encourage fans to be themselves too.
So there. Yes I have just spewed out an essay on why I like a boyband. Bye.
hope is not a myth
3:17 pm
Maybe my feelings towards God resemble my feelings towards my parents.
Like, I do appreciate all the huge sacrifices they made for me, and I owe everything to them. I love them in the sense that I would do things for their well-being and I care for them. I respect certain things about them, and in God's case I respect that He's incomparable and has the right to do whatever He knows is the best given how absolutely sovereign He is.
But I don't know how close of a relationship I can have with people that I don't particularly LIKE. They're not very likeable. And yes I'm referring to both my parents and God.
Also it's not as if I chose to be born, just like it's not as if I chose to be created (and by extension needing to be saved). So how far is it appropriate to push the whole "you should be grateful and therefore have positive feelings for them no matter how icky you feel (wrongly or rightly) about many of their characteristics" argument anyway?
And so it goes.. My relationship with God is like my relationship with my parents: ambivalent, distant, sometimes with bright spots of appreciation. What to do. Shrugs.
hope is not a myth
1:38 am
Sometimes I think I'm extra hard on myself because I can't afford not to be. If I slip into thinking well of myself, I'd be a horrible person. Because I'm naturally selfish and inconsiderate and mean and proud, and it's only heightened self-awareness of every single fault that redeems me from going completely rotten. I don't know how else to improve.
hope is not a myth
6:09 pm
"At the end of the day, when I am lying in bed and I know the chances of any of our theology being exactly right are a million to one, I need to know that God has things figured out, that if my math is wrong we are still going to be okay. And wonder is that feeling we get when we let go of our silly answers, our mapped out rules that we want God to follow. I don't think there is any better worship than wonder." - Don Miller, Blue Like Jazz
hope is not a myth
10:44 pm
